The Cycle of Forgiveness and Transformation
If you’ve lived long enough, you’ll likely face a moment when you have to do the painful work of forgiving. Forgiveness is an important part of sustaining a healthy spiritual life and it can be really difficult.
The F Word: What Is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness—just the thought of it can feel overwhelming. It’s usually not a one-time decision but an ongoing process.
Forgiveness is a profound participation in the nature of love, which is inherently transformative. Love has the power to take what is painful and ugly and reshape it into something beautiful. When we forgive, we tap into our capacity for goodness—a reflection of God within us.
“Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.” – John 1:29
God’s grace surpasses any sin or offense. To forgive is often to believe in the greatness of God’s love—a love that is far greater than any pain or wrongdoing we’ve endured.
Why Does Jesus Command us to Forgive?
In the Gospel (Matthew 18:21-35 ), Jesus commands us to forgive. It’s one of the final lessons he imparts to his disciples. Why? Because he knows that unforgiveness binds us in chains of anger, resentment, and disappointment. Jesus, who loves us beyond measure, cannot bear to see us imprisoned by these burdens. Forgiveness is a path to wholeness, where love integrates all things, transforming our brokenness into healing.
Self-Forgiveness and God’s Infinite Mercy
Self-forgiveness often mirrors our acceptance of God’s forgiveness. When we reflect on the ways we’ve offended God or others—through our actions or thoughts—it can be tempting to dismiss, ignore, excuse, or repress what comes up. Shame and guilt can make it so hard to let go, receive forgiveness and to forgive ourselves. You are worthy and deserving of forgiveness, renewal and transformation.
Take a moment to consider these questions:
What do I need to ask God’s forgiveness for?
What is preventing me from accepting God’s forgiveness—or forgiving myself?
Every day, place yourself under God’s infinite mercy. Let the ancient prayer resonate within your heart:
“Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.”
This daily act is about honesty.
How to Forgive Others
A practice of self-forgiveness often reflects our ability to forgive others, and our ability to forgive others is in direct relationship with being forgiven by God. There is a cyclical relationship of forgiveness that occurs, reminding us that we are all one, and that my ability to give is linked to my ability to receive. When we truly understand what forgiveness is, the path becomes clearer and more manageable.
Why Do We Struggle to Forgive?
Forgiveness can be challenging because it's deeply personal and is often a painful process. It also doesn’t help that many of us have internalised unhealthy ideas about what forgiveness really means. At times, we hold onto our anger and pain because we believe releasing it might minimise the impact of the offense that led to unforgiveness. We may feel that the intensity of the resentment we are able to hold onto memorialises and reflects the gravity of what happened to us. Forgiveness can seem like an assault on our sense of justice. When someone wounds us, it confronts us with the stark reality of a broken world. Deep inside, we yearn for love and connection, and when those expectations are unmet, we experience pain and anger further compounded by our disappointment and grief. How do we reconcile this pain, anger and sense of injustice?
The good news is that we don’t have to navigate this pain alone. Allow your self to feel the impact of what has happened and to experience the grief of the reality where whatever happened, didn’t happen. It’s important to remember difficult emotions are not bad or wrong, they need attention and care too.
Understanding some misconceptions about forgiveness and what may happen after we begin this practice may help you in moving closer to it.
Unpacking Misconceptions About Forgiveness
Let’s address what forgiveness it is not.
1.Forgiveness Is Not Condoning Offenses
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean excusing bad behaviour. The Bible reminds us:
“Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!” – Isaiah 5:20
Forgiveness acknowledges the wrong done while choosing to not let it rob you of a future without resentment.
2. Forgiveness Is Not Allowing Others to Exploit You
Forgiving doesn’t mean tolerating repeated harm or failing to set healthy boundaries. At times, forgiveness may require creating stronger boundaries in your relationships to protect your well-being.
“The naïve person believes every word, but the shrewd one ponders each step.” – Proverbs 14:15
Accountability, justice and forgiveness can coexist.
3. Forgiveness Is Not Pretending the Offense Never Happened
Denying an offense minimises its impact and avoids addressing the difficult emotions it has caused. True forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting the offense but remembering it in a way that fosters growth and healing. Reflecting on the offense can provide you with clarity, help you to connect and support others who may have experienced the same thing.
Forgiveness is a journey, not a one-time event. Here’s what you might experience as you try to implement it as a practice:
Lingering emotions: Anger or bitterness may persist, but continue to renew your decision to forgive and acknowledge moments of peace and gratitude when they appear.
Freedom from resentment: Forgiveness removes the hidden or overt effects of resentment in your relationships.
A greater openness to the Holy Spirit: Forgiveness allows God’s Spirit to move more freely in your life and in the situations you face.
Forgiveness ≠ Reconciliation: You may want to reconcile with the person you forgave and you may not.
Through living in the Spirit, we can embrace a love that transforms even the deepest wounds into something new and beautiful.
The first step in forgiving others is wanting to forgive—even when you don’t feel like it. Forgiveness is a decision that is not always accompanied by feelings of relief or satisfaction. In forgiveness, we live in alignment with a power beyond ourselves. Humanity’s ability to love is often flawed—we all love imperfectly. Recognising this truth can help us contextualize others’ actions. While it may not erase the pain, this understanding can soften our hearts and guide us.
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!” – Luke 23:24
If people truly understood who you are as a child of God—or who they were—they wouldn’t hurt you. Similarly, if people had fully understood Jesus as the Son of God, they wouldn’t have crucified him. Sometimes, the most important step in forgiveness is a asking for the grace to forgive. Offer a prayer for forgiveness or for the grace to forgive, allowing His presence to guide and transform you.
Jesus, help me to forgive. Guide me in my pain, hurt and disappointment. Help me remember the immense love you have for me always. Help me to receive your forgiveness when I am left with shame. Free me from this resentment and draw me closer to your heart of infinite mercy. I align myself with your grace and choose the transformation only you can give. Amen
The Transformative Power of Forgiveness
Choosing forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring the pain caused but means allowing love to transform that pain into something greater, this could be beauty, peace, awareness, transformation, justice and/or love. Living in the Spirit helps us embrace a love that renews, heals, and brings hope.
Forgiveness is a gift— It frees us from the chains of anger and bitterness, allowing us to move forward in peace and grace.